An open letter

During these rare times when the girls are napping and I don't have any pressing work to finish I sit back and really think about the kind of mother I want to be and make big plans on how I can spend more times with the girls and teach them things and birds will sing and the heavens will smile and perhaps, just perhaps, the screaming will stop. Then? They wake up and the screaming starts. I mean, your sister looked at you and then some kind of air brushed your skin and then I dared to suggest you wipe the snot off your nose and before I can say "I really wish there still were orphanages," The house explodes into screaming and crying and threats and discipline and OMG R U SERIOUS this is not how this was described in the Parenting magazines.

Then, just when I think I can't take anymore, they give me a hug and tell me they love me. And in the next second someone becomes "very angry with you MAMA!" I must admit that things haven't been easy for anyone around here lately. Grandma still battles cancer. The Davey hasn't been able to work since January because of his various disabilities. I love having him home with us, but the girls aren't quite sure what to make of it. With him home more, I am working more. Mostly from home, but they can't quite get why mama has to be working when I should be listening to them yell at each other because this Dad guy surely must be going back to work soon and he is really here a lot and also, Mama, where are you? Why do you have so many meetings? Why can't I go too, mama?

This is hard, really really hard. And wonderful. Really, really really wonderful. So, I'll sit here awhile and soak up a quiet moment and make more plans on how I can become the mother they need.