The day I ran out of dopamine

When I got The Tonsils Formerly Known as Those Hangy Things Making Me Sick removed, I figured that planning a two week recovery was actually excessive. Sure, it hurt, but I am a woman on a schedule.

And that is how I managed to improperly wean myself off of pain medication, restart my life at full speed (What? It was right there on the calendar: Back to normal on Monday) and landed up hiding under a blanket crying because I could not physically care for myself or my children after alienating all of the people who love me.

A few days and some proper nutrition, exercise and Omega 3's along with some lowering of my expectations of myself seem to have worked their magic. I'm back! Now with 100% less tonsils!

All in a days work.

When the sun shines in Oregon in April, it is a special kind of gift. For those that live in warm climates, I offer you, with no ill will, The Finger. We Oregonians wait for nearly as long as it takes to grow a fully formed HUMAN for the opportunity to walk outside and not get soaked.

So. It's sunny! And I decided to save the earth by purchasing a clothes line. Am wonderful mother and role model to dozens! I have learned many lessons about the use of clothes lines. The first being not to hang giant jeans on a line that is not well secured or your carefully tended clothes will have to be rewashed thus canceling out any energy savings you might have incurred.

On another note, I had my post-op appointment today and the doc regaled me with tales of how disgusting my tonsils were and that the reason I am still in pain is that there was "considerable scar tissue" from years of a deep bacterial infection and the dissection to remove said Sponges of Bacteria was "quite complete." I am also ready to report a fabulous side effect of losing the tonsils: The bad breath and taste in my mouth from the past 3 years? IS GONE! I am no longer flossing in vain! Pucker up Davey, Mama's back. But, unfortunately, Mama is now too tired.

Try again next week.

Ants and Brats.

I know that spring has sprung because of the somewhat expected and subsequently dreaded arrival of The Mother Effing Sugar Ant Brigade. They are providing an endless source of excitement for my children who are still young enough to think that this is "exciting" rather than "revolting," which is alright but by my calculations, their lack of disgust raises the probability of someone shouting "Hey Random Stranger! My Mom's desk is so covered with ants it looks like its moving!" exponentially.

I ran into the store to get some ant removal products (we love Terro for this) and thought I would try out Better Parenting Through Guilt Technique #1: Buy Your Ungrateful Kids Shit They Don't Need. I saw some tiny Dora sunglasses and was all Why Not? The girls squealed appropriately and then I cut them out of the packages and handed them over. After 3 seconds Goldie made her first mistake when she said with all the fake sweetness at 3.5 year old can muster "What ELSE did you buy me, Mama?" I resisted replying "a ticket to live one more day" and tried to explain how she had hurt my feelings and greatly reduced the chances of buying her toys on impulse ever again. That tactic having been exhausted, the negotiations began regarding where she may take the new sunglasses. Not pleased with the inclusion of sunglasses to the chronically unpopular Nothing But a Spare Change of Undies and an Otherwise Empty Backpack at Preschool rule, the rest of the ride home really sucked.

We are now back to the regularly scheduled: my kids are much nicer to be around when left to play with empty boxes, toilet paper tubes and wrapping paper plan. Lesson learned

The one where I am on drugs

I got my tonsils out over a week ago. It is not as bad as everyone told me it would be as long as I remember to take my high powered-almost-morphine drugs every couple of hours. Davey has taken two weeks off of work to be with me and take care of the girls, because he is awesome and secretly wants to be an at-home-Dad.

Even eight days into this there really isn't that much improvement, and that is somewhat discouraging. The worst thing is that my girls know that I'm here, but don't understand why I am always asleep or why they can't Karate Chop my neck or why I can't speak most of the time. Basically, I am communicating with them in a language where we can find common ground: The language of Candy.

Candy is the perfect way to tell your child both that you love them, and also to go away before mama changes her mind. It is working perfectly and Easter really a great way to restock.

Note to self: Make dental appointments next week to ensure that their teeth did not, contrary to what I have threatened, actually "rot out of your fool head for not brushing your teeth."

I'm not dead and an Open Letter

Dear Kirsten,

Hi! Sorry it's taken so long for us to sit down and get this off to you, but we wanted to let you remind you of that one time, you know, always? When you were so sure that you had everything handled? The smug way you walked around making "wise decisions" based on "professional advice" and how you were feeling so "secure" well, it sort of pissed us off.

In response to this over-developed sense of well-being it has been decided that it is time for you to experience what life is like on the other side. Good luck and we look forward to kicking you in the teeth while you are down.

Sincerely,

The Economy, Karma and Murphy's Law

The past month...months....year...er....lets just say for the last effing-while, for simplicity sake, have, for lack of a better word: Blown.

Without boring you with the details that are many and confusing and also VERY BORING, I will sum up my life in bullet points:

• Colds. Lots of them. The end.
• 3 year old child behaves like 3 year old.
• Rain.
• Youngest child turns two. Child's mother faces existential crisis whose central theme is: They're pretty cute and all, but the whining? In stereo? Constantly? Is this my life now? Huh.
  

Coming soon:

Adult Tonsillectomy, Could it Really be Worse Than Giving Birth, and if Not, Why Does my Doctor Keep Saying That?

Stay tuned.